sitting on craige deck talking to the sunrise

A lot of cloud cover but the clouds are still covered & I’m still sitting somewhere unenclosed and the breeze still whispers into my skin and the birds still hum along to my music so I guess it isn’t really about the sunset at all. It’s about being here and only here; not stuck in the death grips of my past and all of the previous versions of my life that haunt me.and not paralyzed with anxiety about the colorless future, like cheeks on a strangled face, the realities imagined but incessantly realistic, devastatingly three dimensional, the curse of a good imagination. Realities where I don’t get better, where I am sick forever and the sadness settles in and the eating disorder consumes me and none of my friends ever come

back. no

instead I am here in the present, on the roof where enemies are the concrete, as far away as they can get; my fears as detached as the shoes I kicked off my feet. I can feel a rumble shake the ground where I sit; it must be cars on their way in or out, little people excitedly on their way out of here or reluctantly on their way in (I’d hope the former). The pain has lifted for a moment…I’m trying to savor it, relish rather than demolish it. I’m holding back my hunger in fear that I’ll scare the clarity away. Its worth it.